When you’re in a narcissistic relationship, the love you feel can be like being on a rollercoaster. One minute, you’re the best thing in their lives then just as suddenly, they appear to despise you.

This can lead to a myriad of feelings on your part. One I am going to talk about is guilt.

2) The Guilt phase

Often I felt guilt. Like his unhappiness was my fault.

If I spoke out of turn, didn’t keep the house clean enough or even if his family didn’t pay him enough attention, it was I who felt guilty.

My husband however felt no guilt. When he was cruel to me, told me repeatedly that he didn’t care, called me cruel names or made it my fault that he was miserable… there was no guilt. Ever.

This is because narcissists convince themselves that whatever they do is justified. They are allowed to think, say, do and speak as they please without any guilty feeling.

The consequences of repeated guilt means the following…

Sorry

I always said sorry. I apologised for absolutely everything. Everything was my fault and I owned it. Due to the fact I owned the blame, our relationship was transactional. I gave him what he needed. A justification to behave as he did, as I was the one who would say sorry and own all problems.

He only needed me for his ‘uses’. He was a typical ‘taker’. Only taking what he needed from me, only loving me when I gave him something. This could be any of the following; food, a clean home, ironed clothes, money, gifts, words of admiration, reassurance, sex.

Anything which gave him gratification or satisfaction was deemed as love. Therefore, our love was transactional.

Does any of this sound familiar?

My healthy relationship has showed me that love is give and take, equitable, kind and forgiving.

The thing I am still learning to undo is the phrase “I’m sorry”.

I used to be genuinely sorry for absolutely everything. Of course all things going wrong were my fault! I couldn’t undo his mood, so naturally even if it was work, friendships, weight, or losing a game, my inability to take away his suffering was my fault and therefore, I used to apologise.

Knowing I am not responsible for anyone happiness ( I can contribute towards it, but it is not my sole responsibility) has helped me stop apologising for things that are not my fault. If my husband has a bad day or has stubbed his toe, I do not have to say sorry, fawn over him and take responsibility for this.

Living with the narcissist made me a chronic apologiser.

Perhaps you can relate? If you feel this way, know that you do not have to tolerate this childish behaviour.

The narcissist has a very low self esteem and it gratifies them to see you own their sadness. They do not care how you feel because they have the inability to care about you. They can put on a really good act, and it will seem real, but know, the love isn’t real, it never was.