It’s safe to say that I am a broken person.

The narcissist broke me in to small pieces. Like a jigsaw, I am still trying to place these pieces back together in the right slot.

Therapy has been immensely helpful. My family have been rocks to hold me up when I fall and my now husband is always there through thick and thin.

There may be people reading this who do not have the support network I have. I hope that reading these pages will give you strength to know that this happening to you wasn’t your fault. You are not to blame. You were subjected to abnormal behaviours and responded in order to sate the behaviour of the narcissist.

I need to take my own advise sometimes as I struggle to engage with reality sometimes. I think I deserved the treatment I was subjected to. I question whether it happened. I do not see my own worth.

Story time.

Yesterday I was out having lunch with my husband. We are not your typical couple. We do not match one another in relation to aesthetics. He is lean and athletic in stature. Mixed race so with a beautiful skin tone and generally fit.

I am chunky, short, white and often pasty looking and not at typically pretty. I am average. Fat, but average.I know that it is common for people to be down on themselves, but this is something I cannot get past.

As we sat down to have lunch, I noticed a young, attractive woman very clearly checking out my husband. I smiled. Aware that I was eating with a very handsome person. Then it hit me like a train. He can do better than me. I put a post on Facebook/Instagram ( See below )

So, what does this have to do with narcissistic abuse?

Well, I’ve have ‘left overs’ from the previous relationship. Like all left overs, we like some of them, some of them we hate.

The one I am talking about here is the anxiety. It is common for many people to have anxiety when it comes to their normal life, I have anxiety over my relationship.

I do not know why I am struggling to accept that my husband loves me. He has NEVER done anything to indicate that he would leave me. What I am aware of, is that I need to heal to ensure I make the most of the relationship I am in. My husband now tells me every day that he loves me. Whilst he doesn’t compliment the way I look daily, I know that he truly loves me – even at my worst.

As a result of the post above, these are some of the replies I received.

I can’t be that bad to look at then, surely? But let me bring your attention to the following. These are things that you may be left with if you have been in a narcissistic relationship.

• Anxiety (Yep, definitely have this )
• Depression (Did have this, don’t now)
• CPTSD/PTSD (I have diagnosed CPTSD, hence why I see a specialist therapist)
• Loss of self worth/loss of sense of self (This is what this post pertains to!)
• Trust issues (Don’t have this with my husband, I trust him implicitly, but yet I still have to check if he is going to leave me! Does this sound familiar to anyone?)

These are just a few. Some people reading this will relate, others will not.

Worryingly, narcissists can be attracted to certain types of people. This post from Psychology today affirms that they (men) can be attracted to strong women. My family all tell me I am strong and independent .

(Off topic here, but being an observer to my life, I guess this is how it could be perceived for me. I am highly educated – doctoral level – a department head, freelance writer and consultant, mother to two children and I own my home – bought before I married my husband. So, yes, I guess to others I may seem strong and independent. Inside, I scream and cry and cannot fathom how I have got this far)

Whilst researching this post, ( I’m being a lazy researcher here, using google searches and then going down a research rabbit hole) I have read a few articles which appear to cite the same thing.

Insider states that that narcissists see it as a challenge to take down an independent person. MBG state there are a number of reasons you attract a narcissist – the low self esteem one here rung true for me. Finally, Psychology Today states that narcissists want specific traits in a partner. Sadly, I fit many of them.

What are the positives of the left overs?

I have become more self aware.

Being self aware has enabled me to consider who I am as a person. Acknowledging that I am broken in my sense of self, makes me determined to fix who I am.

I will always be empathetic, kind and caring. However, I am always hyper aware of peoples intentions. This will hopefully help me read people more carefully and be more mindful of the relationships I have in my work and friendships.

I am averse to being controlled. I will be compliant with work requests but I have learnt to say no. The power of autonomy is so important in my own healing process.

I am also able to acknowledge that looks are not everything. I may not be the most attractive fish in the sea, but I have a person in my life who has shown me that there is more to a relationship than what people see on the outside. It is what you have in your partnership, behind closed doors, the conversation, plans and life goals, jointly and separately that mean you are in a good place.

Hope some of this was helpful to some of you.