Acceptance

Something I really struggle with is the fact that the narcissist is unable to acknowledge they did anything wrong.

Frustratingly, I still have to be in contact with my ex-husband as we share two wonderful children. I worry for them. They live part time with their father, and I have no idea what happens in this home. Their father married the young girl he was having an affair with. She reminds me of young me. This is dangerous. I worry for her, but also, she knew what he was like (as I told her about him prior to them officially being together – he was still married to me at the time!) and yet she still wanted him. I expect at this point she was being love bombed. Any how, I digress. I know the girls are safe with their step-mother, even if I know she is the new supply. I worry about the impact on their mental health when being raised by a narcissist father.

Today when I collected the children, I had to have a short conversation with him. I try to make the talk as short as possible and I give as little away about my life as possible. He is as always, charming and charismatic. Anyone who doesn’t know what he is truly like will think he is wonderful… I know different. I always try to use the grey rock method… this allows me to respond in a polite way without creating drama. This is another part of my acceptance process. Being strong enough to not engage in conversation with him is part of me accepting he thinks differently to others and the reality is, he is a narcissist who has no empathy.

Him moving on…

The idea that he has moved on used to annoy me. How dare he get to move on with his life, knowing he damaged me and caused me so much harm? How dare he even think that it is okay to live a life without any acknowledgement that he physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually abused me for so long?

Through therapy, I have come to realise that he has no intention of ever apologising for his behaviour. This is because he isn’t sorry. He believes every sexual act was consensual (Even though his texts in response to me saying he abused me he acknowledged what he did was wrong!) and the police believed me too! This irks me. 

However, I must come to a place of acceptance. This is something I am working on. I want the world to know the harm he caused, but I also want to live in the now. The past is gone and never coming back so I need to live for the moment and enjoy what I have.

I believe that much of the acceptance I will have will come from being happy with what I have. 

Gratitude. 

So here are the things that I am grateful for.

• I have two wonderful children who bring me joy every day.
• I have the love of a man who adores me and who I adore in return.
• I have a lovely home with lovely neighbours.
• I have a great job.
• I have fantastic academic opportunities.
• I have a wonderfully supportive family and extended family. 

Whilst researching this post, I found something online to help. This goes through the stages of healing… I am not there yet, but I am hoping I will find acceptance soon.