Much of my own journey comes through forgiving the old me. 

I met my ex-husband when I was at university. By todays standards, I was still a child. I was impressionable, I was struggling with depression, I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t feel loved.

My childhood was definitely a reason why I became the target for someone like my ex. I was raised primarily by my mother, who worked all the hours to support her family whilst also navigating a relationship with a functioning alcoholic.

It would be remiss of me not to include the childhood in the healing journey as who we are comes from where we have been.

My father was (and is) a complex man. He never gave anything away emotionally, and he was not always very pleasant as a child to me.

I am one of three children. The ‘middle child’. You know, the one with the chip on their shoulder. This was something I carried with me. I never knew where I fit in. My older sibling being close to my Mum. My younger sibling being close to my Dad. Who was there for me? Couple this with the fact neither of them had quality time for any of us and we were poor. It was a messy upbringing even though my Mum made sure we were clean and fed. It was tough. 

My Dad had an affair when I was 4/5 years old. I do not know enough about it to divulge, and whilst my parents relationship is not to be carried by me in my overflowing bucket of issues, his actions did impact our family life. I believe the damage he did to my Mum made him turn to drink, which as a consequence made him a neglectful, drunkard father. 

Meeting him

When I met my ex-husband, as you do, we shared our ‘stories’. Mine was the above. Couple that with some sexual grooming when I was 15 by a man 7 years my senior (he too used my Dads absence as a way to encourage an inappropriate relationship) he had all my vulnerabilities in the palm of his hand.

My history was his weapon.

He knew how to make me weep, he know how to knock me down. 

He didn’t do it immediately, but slowly and surely, he chipped away at me.

When we would row, he would throw in my childhood as a weapon. 

If I suspected him of having an inappropriate relationship with someone, he would say “you just don’t believe me because you carry the shit your Dad did around with you”, or something similar to the above. ( Please know, I didn’t write down his words verbatim… so it was always something like this)

The impact of someone knowing your worst vulnerabilities, then using them as a weapon makes you compliant. Them being used as weapons, then them apologising for their behaviours, then them saying “but your actions made me do/say it…” eventually stick. You walk around with a feeling of ‘everything wrong is my fault’.

This is part of the manipulation that a narcissist will use.

(The hyperlink above is from my favourite,Psychology today. It is helpful to understand from a medical perspective how a narcissist will impact on your life… and how they do it!)

I truly believe, many narcissists don’t even know they are one. They just go about their business doing what makes them happy, pulling people down because they can, being charismatic and charming and making people believe they are amazing.

Sadly, those in the relationships with the narcissists begin to know no better. They begin to defend their behaviour and actions and even begin to lie to cover the actions of the narc.

I know for sure, I will never allow anyone to ever manipulate me in the way they did ever again. Let the healing continue.