Last night I spent the evening talking to my husband’s Auntie and Uncle. They are wonderful people who have been together over 25 years and married for nearly 15. 

Whilst they have never been married before, they are two people who are 100% going in the same direction. They agree on most things, have their daughters’ best interests at the core of what they do, and they complement one another. 

I once could never have imagined being the company of two generous people who have demonstrated what a solid loving marriage looks like. Now, I do not doubt they have had their ups and downs, but when I observe how they move together, it feels like watching a nature show. They are mates for life. 

Being married to their nephew is a tonic. He is calm and considerate and thinks about me in all that he does. Last night, they told me he is like a different person now he is with me. That he is happier and more fun to be around. They didn’t hold back. They also said he was a miserable old sod before being with me and that it was nice to see him smile. (You see, my husband was married previously, and he was unhappy in his marriage. His marriage was none of my concern, but I do know that he fell out of love with her and that she didn’t take the ending of their marriage well.) 

My husband

My husband says to me “you are the Ying to my yang. I absolutely am. Whilst we have things in common, we are both very different people. He is very mechanically minded, whereas I struggle to put together an IKEA flatpack. The point I am making is that opposites do attract. 

After the relationship with the narcissist, I couldn’t have imagined anyone would love me, let alone want to marry me. I truly believed I was all the awful things the narc said I was. The thing is, whilst I may be many things, I am not a bad person who deserves to be alone. I have lots of love to give and I have found someone to share my muddled life with.

He makes me happier and stronger. We move together in life, in the same direction with each other’s feelings in consideration. He is my priority, and I am his. 

Moving on 

As you will have probably read by now, I was used to being no-one’s priority, so to be important to someone feels special and absolutely incredible. 

I was scared to be with anyone. The months after leaving the narcissist were fraught and I am being honest here, I was messed around romantically, and I was in no mood to be taken for a fool again. I had to learn how to put myself and my children first. 

Life after being with a narcissist makes you resilient. It makes you capable. It makes you tough. However, it also makes you struggle to put yourself first. It makes you doubt the capacity for someone to love you. It makes you vulnerable. 

Whilst I was vulnerable after my breakup with the narcissist, I opened my heart. Hoping to be loved, loving in return, wearing my heart on my sleeve. As I mentioned before, my heart was messed with. Fortunately, after some toing and froing I found me again and decided I wasn’t going to tolerate being messed around. I stood firm and a relationship was on my terms when I was ready for it to be so… and when it was on my terms, here I am! 

My advice to anyone who is struggling to continue with life after a narcissist is to remember, not everyone is like your ex. Many people are warm and caring. Many people want to find love, find someone to move through life with and share what life has to offer. 

When you have been gaslit beyond recognition, when you have been pushed and shoved around by someone who has belittled you for so long, remember, there is life after narcissism, and you will find your person.

There is hope and life afterwards is always better.