Tag: Healing

Post holiday – how was it for you?

Dec 26th, 2022

I think it’s common knowledge that for some, the holidays ( irrespective of faith or culture) often see an increase in domestic abuse for families.

This has always disturbed me.

Christmas for me when married to the narcissist was always a time of both joy ( for our children ) but trepidation as I did not know what I would get in behaviour from my ex. Usually, it was fine until we had to spend time with our families. My family are typically northern ( UK northern) , rowdy but loveable. No foul language, no fights, but debates about politics, family memories and who was right or wrong about a certain subject. Dad makes a breakfast. Mum hovers around the kitchen picking up after us all. He was not a fan of my family.

At the narcissist’s family home – Christmas was always different. They were bigger than my family. Catholic ( but also hugely hypocritical and peculiar in their family values in opposition to mine) but they had their traditions and I attempted to adapt. Being around the ex-husbands family always had me on edge. If he was made to feel pushed out, it would be me who would bear the brunt. Being one of four siblings, the middle one, I suppose he had to fight for his position. On reflection, he was always trying to impress his family – who I think could see through his BS.

However, I digress. The point of this being, that the Christmas holidays could cause friction in our little family. I could sate him with his advances sexually, but if a car chat ensued, I would be in for it. Over two hours of an enclosed space, hearing his woes. Trying to make him feel better. Assuring him that he was a good person and that his family loved him. It was draining. However, it made me realise, that everything was a farce.

The Farce

I have now completed the CPTSD therapy. My therapist could not heal what I had been through, but helped me work on myself to see that I was not not the issue.

I accept that I played a role in our relationship, I understand that it takes two have a row, and two to argue and two to come into conflict, but I also learned, that these things should not lead to abuse. I retaliated in the first instance. I used to fight back, until one day things took a turn and I got hurt. Then I cowered. The strong woman was no more. Like a horse, he had broken me – I was broken in and would comply.

This meant I accepted the reality with which I was faced. Smiles for the camera. Jovial laughs at the dinner table. Understanding looks and cold moods and how to navigate these to appease him.

However, the farce we portrayed on social media and to our families, is exactly what he wanted. He surrounded himself with people who loved the farce. Who would stroke his ego. Who would applaud him for his work. People who would help manage his damaged persona.

This farce is what I need to remember what our lives were. The expensive gifts given and the love letters were not real. They were to appease him as he knew I would stroke his ego. Posting pictures of the wonderful gifts he would give and random people on social media would stroke his ego too. He needed this. I obliged. I admit – it allowed me to believe that what I was experiencing was normal. It was not.

He needed this because his family were also narcissistic. His father in particular. Everything he did was often to demonstrate to his Dad that he was a great person. Everything was a farce.

New life

The new life I lead is not a farce. I tell the truth. I talk about the good, the bad and the ugly on social media. I show myself looking awful, I show myself looking well groomed. I don’t fawn over my husband on social media every other day – he doesn’t need his ego stroking by strangers. He isn’t a narcissist. I know that if I don’t post for a while, he won’t get grumpy or ask whether I have told anyone about the jewellery/perfume/letter he gave me – in order to achieve accolade. He is normal. I know that this festive season there is no threat of me being called names, pushed or being made to feel bad. I know I won’t be left crying. I know I won’t be abused.

Abuse doesn’t need to be the norm

This festive season, hundreds of thousands of men and women will be subjected to abuse as a result of an abusive and narcissistic partner – if that is you, I urge you , please don’t let 2023 be the same as 2022. You can and do deserve better.

Reach out.

USA:https://www.thehotline.org

UK https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/

Domestic abuse
Damaging thoughts

Sep 11th, 2022

I have had some time away from blogging this week as I needed some headspace.

I had to encounter the narcissist last week due to an issue with one of our children. He was as always, charismatic, charming and said all the right things. Rather than feeling better about the situation, I berated myself for being vulnerable around him. This is it now. He has ANOTHER hook by which he knows I am vulnerable. Our child.

I had always been strong around him. I never cried when I walked out of our home and our marriage ended. I didn’t cry when he verbally abused me in the street. I didn’t cry when he acknowledged his affair. I had stayed strong. I knew if I cried he would find the scab to pick. Even as I write this now, I find that he now has the scab to pick. Our child.

The thing is, the narcissist will already know what your trigger points are. They already know how to get to you. You will always be vulnerable to them as you trusted them to be let in.

As I have mentioned in a previous post, the narcissist goes for a certain type of person. I fit that category, but whilst I have grown stronger in lots of ways, I am still teary about some things and I need to find a strength to cope with that in some way.

Thoughts about oneself.

As I am still recovering from the abuse I suffered at the hands of this person, I want to be able to say I am fixed. But I am not. I am still puzzle. I doubt that I am good enough for my job, my home, my children and my own husband.

One such life event happened this weekend. My husband wanted to work on his own self improvement. I am fully in support of this. But naturally, I went to the ‘dark side’ of my mind. I had been ‘here’ before.

When the narcissist got bored of me, he started on his own self improvement journey. He lost weight. Changed the way he looked. Started going out more. Spending hours in the bath/shower. Hiding his phone. I immediately started wondering, is my husband going to do the same?

After a conversation with husband, he reassured me that there was no way he doing anything untoward and gave me the reassurance I needed to be okay.

This is what I am talking about here – the lasting damage. I have been harmed and when a person is harmed, they take time to get better.

I hope if anyone is reading this and wondering if things will ever get better, they will. It will take time. It may take therapy. But, in opposition to the old adage ‘It’s THEM, not YOU’ that is the problem.‘

If you want to read more about the impact that narcissistic abuse has on the brain, you can click here. I hope it helps.
Life is better after narcissism.

Sep 1st, 2022

Last night I spent the evening talking to my husband’s Auntie and Uncle. They are wonderful people who have been together over 25 years and married for nearly 15.

Whilst they have never been married before, they are two people who are 100% going in the same direction. They agree on most things, have their daughters’ best interests at the core of what they do, and they complement one another.

I once could never have imagined being the company of two generous people who have demonstrated what a solid loving marriage looks like. Now, I do not doubt they have had their ups and downs, but when I observe how they move together, it feels like watching a nature show. They are mates for life.

Being married to their nephew is a tonic. He is calm and considerate and thinks about me in all that he does. Last night, they told me he is like a different person now he is with me. That he is happier and more fun to be around. They didn’t hold back. They also said he was a miserable old sod before being with me and that it was nice to see him smile. (You see, my husband was married previously, and he was unhappy in his marriage. His marriage was none of my concern, but I do know that he fell out of love with her and that she didn’t take the ending of their marriage well.)

My husband

My husband says to me “you are the Ying to my yang. I absolutely am. Whilst we have things in common, we are both very different people. He is very mechanically minded, whereas I struggle to put together an IKEA flatpack. The point I am making is that opposites do attract.

After the relationship with the narcissist, I couldn’t have imagined anyone would love me, let alone want to marry me. I truly believed I was all the awful things the narc said I was. The thing is, whilst I may be many things, I am not a bad person who deserves to be alone. I have lots of love to give and I have found someone to share my muddled life with.

He makes me happier and stronger. We move together in life, in the same direction with each other’s feelings in consideration. He is my priority, and I am his.

Moving on

As you will have probably read by now, I was used to being no-one’s priority, so to be important to someone feels special and absolutely incredible.

I was scared to be with anyone. The months after leaving the narcissist were fraught and I am being honest here, I was messed around romantically, and I was in no mood to be taken for a fool again. I had to learn how to put myself and my children first.

Life after being with a narcissist makes you resilient. It makes you capable. It makes you tough. However, it also makes you struggle to put yourself first. It makes you doubt the capacity for someone to love you. It makes you vulnerable.

Whilst I was vulnerable after my breakup with the narcissist, I opened my heart. Hoping to be loved, loving in return, wearing my heart on my sleeve. As I mentioned before, my heart was messed with. Fortunately, after some toing and froing I found me again and decided I wasn’t going to tolerate being messed around. I stood firm and a relationship was on my terms when I was ready for it to be so… and when it was on my terms, here I am!

My advice to anyone who is struggling to continue with life after a narcissist is to remember, not everyone is like your ex. Many people are warm and caring. Many people want to find love, find someone to move through life with and share what life has to offer.

When you have been gaslit beyond recognition, when you have been pushed and shoved around by someone who has belittled you for so long, remember, there is life after narcissism, and you will find your person.

There is hope and life afterwards is always better.
History being weaponised.

Aug 31st, 2022

Much of my own journey comes through forgiving the old me.

I met my ex-husband when I was at university. By todays standards, I was still a child. I was impressionable, I was struggling with depression, I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t feel loved.

My childhood was definitely a reason why I became the target for someone like my ex. I was raised primarily by my mother, who worked all the hours to support her family whilst also navigating a relationship with a functioning alcoholic.

It would be remiss of me not to include the childhood in the healing journey as who we are comes from where we have been.

My father was (and is) a complex man. He never gave anything away emotionally, and he was not always very pleasant as a child to me.

I am one of three children. The ‘middle child’. You know, the one with the chip on their shoulder. This was something I carried with me. I never knew where I fit in. My older sibling being close to my Mum. My younger sibling being close to my Dad. Who was there for me? Couple this with the fact neither of them had quality time for any of us and we were poor. It was a messy upbringing even though my Mum made sure we were clean and fed. It was tough.

My Dad had an affair when I was 4/5 years old. I do not know enough about it to divulge, and whilst my parents relationship is not to be carried by me in my overflowing bucket of issues, his actions did impact our family life. I believe the damage he did to my Mum made him turn to drink, which as a consequence made him a neglectful, drunkard father.

Meeting him

When I met my ex-husband, as you do, we shared our ‘stories’. Mine was the above. Couple that with some sexual grooming when I was 15 by a man 7 years my senior (he too used my Dads absence as a way to encourage an inappropriate relationship) he had all my vulnerabilities in the palm of his hand.

My history was his weapon.

He knew how to make me weep, he know how to knock me down.

He didn’t do it immediately, but slowly and surely, he chipped away at me.

When we would row, he would throw in my childhood as a weapon.

If I suspected him of having an inappropriate relationship with someone, he would say “you just don’t believe me because you carry the shit your Dad did around with you”, or something similar to the above. ( Please know, I didn’t write down his words verbatim… so it was always something like this)

The impact of someone knowing your worst vulnerabilities, then using them as a weapon makes you compliant. Them being used as weapons, then them apologising for their behaviours, then them saying “but your actions made me do/say it…” eventually stick. You walk around with a feeling of ‘everything wrong is my fault’.

This is part of the manipulation that a narcissist will use.

(The hyperlink above is from my favourite,Psychology today. It is helpful to understand from a medical perspective how a narcissist will impact on your life… and how they do it!)

I truly believe, many narcissists don’t even know they are one. They just go about their business doing what makes them happy, pulling people down because they can, being charismatic and charming and making people believe they are amazing.

Sadly, those in the relationships with the narcissists begin to know no better. They begin to defend their behaviour and actions and even begin to lie to cover the actions of the narc.

I know for sure, I will never allow anyone to ever manipulate me in the way they did ever again. Let the healing continue.
How to find acceptance…

Aug 30th, 2022
Acceptance

Something I really struggle with is the fact that the narcissist is unable to acknowledge they did anything wrong.

Frustratingly, I still have to be in contact with my ex-husband as we share two wonderful children. I worry for them. They live part time with their father, and I have no idea what happens in this home. Their father married the young girl he was having an affair with. She reminds me of young me. This is dangerous. I worry for her, but also, she knew what he was like (as I told her about him prior to them officially being together – he was still married to me at the time!) and yet she still wanted him. I expect at this point she was being love bombed. Any how, I digress. I know the girls are safe with their step-mother, even if I know she is the new supply. I worry about the impact on their mental health when being raised by a narcissist father.

Today when I collected the children, I had to have a short conversation with him. I try to make the talk as short as possible and I give as little away about my life as possible. He is as always, charming and charismatic. Anyone who doesn’t know what he is truly like will think he is wonderful… I know different. I always try to use the grey rock method… this allows me to respond in a polite way without creating drama. This is another part of my acceptance process. Being strong enough to not engage in conversation with him is part of me accepting he thinks differently to others and the reality is, he is a narcissist who has no empathy.

Him moving on…

The idea that he has moved on used to annoy me. How dare he get to move on with his life, knowing he damaged me and caused me so much harm? How dare he even think that it is okay to live a life without any acknowledgement that he physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually abused me for so long?

Through therapy, I have come to realise that he has no intention of ever apologising for his behaviour. This is because he isn’t sorry. He believes every sexual act was consensual (Even though his texts in response to me saying he abused me he acknowledged what he did was wrong!) and the police believed me too! This irks me.

However, I must come to a place of acceptance. This is something I am working on. I want the world to know the harm he caused, but I also want to live in the now. The past is gone and never coming back so I need to live for the moment and enjoy what I have.

I believe that much of the acceptance I will have will come from being happy with what I have.

Gratitude.

So here are the things that I am grateful for.
- I have two wonderful children who bring me joy every day.
- I have the love of a man who adores me and who I adore in return.
- I have a lovely home with lovely neighbours.
- I have a great job.
- I have fantastic academic opportunities.
- I have a wonderfully supportive family and extended family.
Whilst researching this post, I found something online to help. This goes through the stages of healing… I am not there yet, but I am hoping I will find acceptance soon.
Did I imagine it all?

Aug 22nd, 2022
In writing down what has happened to me, I have often returned to this thought. Did I lose my mind and did all this happen?

This has led me to read over previous communications via emails and texts. Most of them are reasonable, some are horrendous, some of them make me question if I was the problem.

The only reason I believe that I am not the problem or rather, I was not the problem is my current position now.

Wondering, Did I imagine all of this, or was I gas lit?

What’s happening now?

Well, I have remarried. To someone quite unexpected and very out of my league.

Through remarrying and being in this relationship, I have come to learn, I am no different in my demeanour, behaviours, actions and approach to challenging topics than I was previously.

What I mean by this is, I rarely raise my voice. I ask if we can talk about things. I send messages when I am feeling vulnerable and asking to communicate. I am affectionate, I try to be kind, I try to show love every day. I take on the lions share of the house work, financial obligations and organisation of our ‘life laundry’. I surmise that I am an okay type of partner.

I did all this for my previous husband in our relationship. I was kind. I was caring ( I used to rub his feet most nights without complaint). I did all of the house work with the exception of a bi-weekly ironing rota. I did all the cooking, cleaning, financial administration and car maintenance. I never told him what to do, I encouraged him to do as he pleased ( maintaining friendships outside your relationship is so important ) and continue his hobbies and passions.

This was not enough for him.

What I have learned is that I was not right for him. I began to want things for myself. See my friends. Spend time outside of the home without our children. Progress in my career. Continue my academic studies.

This did not please him. Whilst outwardly he was telling others he was proud of me. Inside the house, the sulking, the guilt trips, the moaning, the self absorbed behaviour only served to demonstrate that I was not enough for him. I wasn’t compliant enough to his wants, needs or desires. He believed he was special and I was not meeting his grandiose sense of self, therefore I was on the receiving end of his vitriol. It was my fault he wasn’t a famous and wealthy musician or actor. He never wanted to progress in his career, but it was our home, life and family that held him back ( rather than his lack of ambition).

The ‘girl’ to whom he had the affair.

She was young. Impressionable. Laughed at his jokes. Made him the centre of her world ( Remember, she was still attached at this point ). Told her boyfriend that my husband was her best friend and that was just that.

She fed into his narcissistic personality. She gave him the kudos he desired. She fawned over him as he trained her in her job role. This is what a narcissist loves. Someone who adores them. He came home after a day at work and once told me ” I deserve to be adored.”

Now, I don’t know who believes that about themselves, but I do not walk around with a sense of entitlement that people should adore me. Do you? Am I the abnormal one who thinks that’s strange? I do not deserve to be adored. I believe adoration comes from a place of love and compassion, understanding and mutual growth.

His behaviour meant I did NOT adore him. Whilst I thought I was doing a good job, a diligent job of holding our marriage together, I was clearly not doing it well. I was not pleasing him. I hated the fact I couldn’t please him. I questioned why I wasn’t enough and how much more of myself would I have to give to earn his good graces.

Simple fact… a narcissist will never accept anyone as good enough. This is because you will never meet their expectations. They see themselves as above all others. They see themselves as popular and expecting of amazing treatment from others. How you feel does not even come in to their sphere of thinking.

Narcissists reaction to being found out.

The revelation that he was a narcissist hit me hard. It was my mother who brought the word narcissist to my attention. She said in response to one of my desperate text messages ” I am so sorry you’re married to a narcissist”.

He saw this message. He totally flipped out. Weeping and wailing in our bedroom crying out “How can any one think this of me?”.

On helpguide.org, they cite the following which summarises what happened

“…they are extremely sensitive and react badly to even the slightest criticisms, disagreements, or perceived slights, which they view as personal attacks.“

He was a mess. He spent hours talking about how amazing he was. How he was an amazing father. How he did everything for us. How I was abusive and manipulative. How I was controlling. How I held him back. How I didn’t understand him. How I was cold and unloving. How I was a terrible wife.

Once again, everything that was wrong in our marriage was my fault. He didn’t own any aspect of our marriage falling apart.

What do I own?
- I own the fact I was always asking what was wrong.
- I own being tenacious and not giving up.
- I own arguing back ( especially in the early days when I did strike him back when he struck me)
- I own using foul language ( especially in the early days)
- I own being a nag ( I did used to go on and on in asking for help or for something to be done)
- I own having sex with another man whilst legally married to him.
- I own mentioning that I was scared I may have ovarian cancer when the cancer markers associated with such were elevated due to a burst ovarian cyst ( I did not say I had cancer like he tried to say I did )
- I own being jealous and asking if he was cheating on me ( self fulling prophecy perhaps , or learning that he was always going to do that to me… especially if he was willing to ask to see our friends’ breasts when we were engaged … and she showed me via text what he had sent!! )
- I own asking repeatedly if he loved me ( I still do this to my now husband – I am working on the fact I need to accept he loves me!)
Narcissistic behaviours

Many of my friends and mutual friends have mentioned that they didn’t really like my ex-husband.

They referred to him as ‘ arrogant, cocky, big headed, lazy, patronising, lacking empathy” . I sadly cannot disagree. I saw all of these too… but by the time I realised what a horror I had married, I had been love bombed and I was in too deep.

So, I did not imagine all of this. I was pulled in by a narcissist. He made me believe he was special and that our lives would be too. Instead I was abused and harmed and I bear the scars daily of the damage he has done.

Healing

Now is the time to heal. He is my past and I have my future.

I did not image all of this. It was real and it happened. I am in a better place. With someone who loves me with out conditions or expectation. When I am past all the hurt, perhaps I will talk more about the wonderful human I am with now and I will write a blog about finding your true love.
A real life account of narcissistic abuse

Aug 15th, 2022

I assume you’ve arrived here due to a Google search, a desperate attempt to understand why or how or if this is what you have experienced.

Let me tell you this now, if you think you are a victim of this type of abuse, you probably are.

If you question if YOU are the narcissist, you’re probably NOT.

A narcissist will almost always NEVER admit to their abuse or being a narcissist.

This is not written by a psychologist or psychiatrist, or someone with a mental health background, it is a real life blog about a real life experience. I am however an academic, I will reference links to places you may find helpful, I will also talk about things I have used to help me heal.

What is Narcissism?

The Mayo clinic offer this definition of narcissistic personality disorder :

A mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them.

My reading around this subject has led me to understand that people can either be a narcissist, or are going through a narcissistic phase. The latter is less common. When I realised I was in an abusive relationship, my academic mind took me to the ‘Why is this happening to me?’

The quest to understand why I was subjected to these behaviours, why I had allowed myself to be harmed in so many ways meant I started reading about personality disorders. What this meant was, I was looking for a reason to justify the abuse.

There is NEVER a reason to justify abuse.

What I did come to understand was that the abuse I received was related to their personality disorder and the simple fact, this person simply didn’t care.

What happened to me?

I was married for a long time. To a man who woo’d me. He swept me off my feet. He was not the type of man I would usually go for physically, however, he made me feel special, he told me things I could only dream of hearing. He made me feel adored, called me, was attentive, wanted my attention – this was phase 1.

Phase 1 – Love Bombing

He would send me loving emails.

He would ask if he could kiss me.

He would be proud to be with me.

It was relentless, it was magical, I can honestly say, it was like being a Disney Princess.

But let’s get real here – Life isn’t a fairy tale. I am being mindful here about how I deliver this next set of sentences but I firmly believe that phrase. Life isn’t a fairytale. My relationship in the early stages did feel like a fairy tale.

Only upon being in my marriage now, do I recognise what happened to me.

My marriage now has made me understand that love is calm, caring, beyond measure, without expectation and comfortable. There are fairy tale moments (like proposals, intimate moments and love letters) but it is not every day. True love is compassionate, equal, equitable, kind, caring, deep, adoring, mutual and without judgement or expectation.

The love bombing had me hooked. I was all over him. I couldn’t do enough for him. Anything he wanted, I did. I cringe when I think back to those early moments, I think how much I changed to be on the receiving end of his ‘love’. The cocktail of natural hormones, dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, adrenaline, vasopressin had me craving for more. His love bombing had done the job. I was his. I was addicted.

Does any of this sound familiar?

If it does, subscribe, follow and come back for more.

This blog is going to be a long old ride so buckle up, grab a brew ( yes, I’m British ) and enjoy the ride. Hopefully it will help

Tag: Healing

What happened to me?