I assume you’ve arrived here due to a Google search, a desperate attempt to understand why or how or if this is what you have experienced.

Let me tell you this now, if you think you are a victim of this type of abuse, you probably are.

If you question if YOU are the narcissist, you’re probably NOT.

A narcissist will almost always NEVER admit to their abuse or being a narcissist.

This is not written by a psychologist or psychiatrist, or someone with a mental health background, it is a real life blog about a real life experience. I am however an academic, I will reference links to places you may find helpful, I will also talk about things I have used to help me heal.

What is Narcissism?

The Mayo clinic offer this definition of narcissistic personality disorder :

A mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them.

My reading around this subject has led me to understand that people can either be a narcissist, or are going through a narcissistic phase. The latter is less common. When I realised I was in an abusive relationship, my academic mind took me to the ‘Why is this happening to me?’

The quest to understand why I was subjected to these behaviours, why I had allowed myself to be harmed in so many ways meant I started reading about personality disorders. What this meant was, I was looking for a reason to justify the abuse.

There is NEVER a reason to justify abuse.

What I did come to understand was that the abuse I received was related to their personality disorder and the simple fact, this person simply didn’t care.

What happened to me?

I was married for a long time. To a man who woo’d me. He swept me off my feet. He was not the type of man I would usually go for physically, however, he made me feel special, he told me things I could only dream of hearing. He made me feel adored, called me, was attentive, wanted my attention – this was phase 1.

Phase 1 – Love Bombing

He would send me loving emails.

He would ask if he could kiss me.

He would be proud to be with me.

It was relentless, it was magical, I can honestly say, it was like being a Disney Princess.

But let’s get real here – Life isn’t a fairy tale. I am being mindful here about how I deliver this next set of sentences but I firmly believe that phrase. Life isn’t a fairytale. My relationship in the early stages did feel like a fairy tale.

Only upon being in my marriage now, do I recognise what happened to me.

My marriage now has made me understand that love is calm, caring, beyond measure, without expectation and comfortable. There are fairy tale moments (like proposals, intimate moments and love letters) but it is not every day. True love is compassionate, equal, equitable, kind, caring, deep, adoring, mutual and without judgement or expectation.

The love bombing had me hooked. I was all over him. I couldn’t do enough for him. Anything he wanted, I did. I cringe when I think back to those early moments, I think how much I changed to be on the receiving end of his ‘love’. The cocktail of natural hormones, dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, adrenaline, vasopressin had me craving for more. His love bombing had done the job. I was his. I was addicted.

Does any of this sound familiar?

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This blog is going to be a long old ride so buckle up, grab a brew ( yes, I’m British ) and enjoy the ride. Hopefully it will help