In writing down what has happened to me, I have often returned to this thought. Did I lose my mind and did all this happen?

This has led me to read over previous communications via emails and texts. Most of them are reasonable, some are horrendous, some of them make me question if I was the problem.

The only reason I believe that I am not the problem or rather, I was not the problem is my current position now.

What’s happening now?

Well, I have remarried. To someone quite unexpected and very out of my league.

Through remarrying and being in this relationship, I have come to learn, I am no different in my demeanour, behaviours, actions and approach to challenging topics than I was previously.

What I mean by this is, I rarely raise my voice. I ask if we can talk about things. I send messages when I am feeling vulnerable and asking to communicate. I am affectionate, I try to be kind, I try to show love every day. I take on the lions share of the house work, financial obligations and organisation of our ‘life laundry’. I surmise that I am an okay type of partner.

I did all this for my previous husband in our relationship. I was kind. I was caring ( I used to rub his feet most nights without complaint). I did all of the house work with the exception of a bi-weekly ironing rota. I did all the cooking, cleaning, financial administration and car maintenance. I never told him what to do, I encouraged him to do as he pleased ( maintaining friendships outside your relationship is so important ) and continue his hobbies and passions.

This was not enough for him.

What I have learned is that I was not right for him. I began to want things for myself. See my friends. Spend time outside of the home without our children. Progress in my career. Continue my academic studies.

This did not please him. Whilst outwardly he was telling others he was proud of me. Inside the house, the sulking, the guilt trips, the moaning, the self absorbed behaviour only served to demonstrate that I was not enough for him. I wasn’t compliant enough to his wants, needs or desires. He believed he was special and I was not meeting his grandiose sense of self, therefore I was on the receiving end of his vitriol. It was my fault he wasn’t a famous and wealthy musician or actor. He never wanted to progress in his career, but it was our home, life and family that held him back ( rather than his lack of ambition).

The ‘girl’ to whom he had the affair.

She was young. Impressionable. Laughed at his jokes. Made him the centre of her world ( Remember, she was still attached at this point ). Told her boyfriend that my husband was her best friend and that was just that.

She fed into his narcissistic personality. She gave him the kudos he desired. She fawned over him as he trained her in her job role. This is what a narcissist loves. Someone who adores them. He came home after a day at work and once told me ” I deserve to be adored.”

Now, I don’t know who believes that about themselves, but I do not walk around with a sense of entitlement that people should adore me. Do you? Am I the abnormal one who thinks that’s strange? I do not deserve to be adored. I believe adoration comes from a place of love and compassion, understanding and mutual growth.

His behaviour meant I did NOT adore him. Whilst I thought I was doing a good job, a diligent job of holding our marriage together, I was clearly not doing it well. I was not pleasing him. I hated the fact I couldn’t please him. I questioned why I wasn’t enough and how much more of myself would I have to give to earn his good graces.

Simple fact… a narcissist will never accept anyone as good enough. This is because you will never meet their expectations. They see themselves as above all others. They see themselves as popular and expecting of amazing treatment from others. How you feel does not even come in to their sphere of thinking.

Narcissists reaction to being found out.

The revelation that he was a narcissist hit me hard. It was my mother who brought the word narcissist to my attention. She said in response to one of my desperate text messages ” I am so sorry you’re married to a narcissist”.

He saw this message. He totally flipped out. Weeping and wailing in our bedroom crying out “How can any one think this of me?”.

On helpguide.org, they cite the following which summarises what happened

“…they are extremely sensitive and react badly to even the slightest criticisms, disagreements, or perceived slights, which they view as personal attacks.“

He was a mess. He spent hours talking about how amazing he was. How he was an amazing father. How he did everything for us. How I was abusive and manipulative. How I was controlling. How I held him back. How I didn’t understand him. How I was cold and unloving. How I was a terrible wife.

Once again, everything that was wrong in our marriage was my fault. He didn’t own any aspect of our marriage falling apart.

What do I own?

• I own the fact I was always asking what was wrong.
• I own being tenacious and not giving up.
• I own arguing back ( especially in the early days when I did strike him back when he struck me)
• I own using foul language ( especially in the early days)
• I own being a nag ( I did used to go on and on in asking for help or for something to be done)
• I own having sex with another man whilst legally married to him.
• I own mentioning that I was scared I may have ovarian cancer when the cancer markers associated with such were elevated due to a burst ovarian cyst ( I did not say I had cancer like he tried to say I did )
• I own being jealous and asking if he was cheating on me ( self fulling prophecy perhaps , or learning that he was always going to do that to me… especially if he was willing to ask to see our friends’ breasts when we were engaged … and she showed me via text what he had sent!! )
• I own asking repeatedly if he loved me ( I still do this to my now husband – I am working on the fact I need to accept he loves me!)

Narcissistic behaviours

Many of my friends and mutual friends have mentioned that they didn’t really like my ex-husband.

They referred to him as ‘ arrogant, cocky, big headed, lazy, patronising, lacking empathy” . I sadly cannot disagree. I saw all of these too… but by the time I realised what a horror I had married, I had been love bombed and I was in too deep.

So, I did not imagine all of this. I was pulled in by a narcissist. He made me believe he was special and that our lives would be too. Instead I was abused and harmed and I bear the scars daily of the damage he has done.

Healing

Now is the time to heal. He is my past and I have my future.

I did not image all of this. It was real and it happened. I am in a better place. With someone who loves me with out conditions or expectation. When I am past all the hurt, perhaps I will talk more about the wonderful human I am with now and I will write a blog about finding your true love.