Something I really struggle with is the fact that the narcissist is unable to acknowledge they did anything wrong.
Frustratingly, I still have to be in contact with my ex-husband as we share two wonderful children. I worry for them. They live part time with their father, and I have no idea what happens in this home. Their father married the young girl he was having an affair with. She reminds me of young me. This is dangerous. I worry for her, but also, she knew what he was like (as I told her about him prior to them officially being together – he was still married to me at the time!) and yet she still wanted him. I expect at this point she was being love bombed. Any how, I digress. I know the girls are safe with their step-mother, even if I know she is the new supply. I worry about the impact on their mental health when being raised by a narcissist father.
Today when I collected the children, I had to have a short conversation with him. I try to make the talk as short as possible and I give as little away about my life as possible. He is as always, charming and charismatic. Anyone who doesn’t know what he is truly like will think he is wonderful… I know different. I always try to use the grey rock method… this allows me to respond in a polite way without creating drama. This is another part of my acceptance process. Being strong enough to not engage in conversation with him is part of me accepting he thinks differently to others and the reality is, he is a narcissist who has no empathy.
Him moving on…
The idea that he has moved on used to annoy me. How dare he get to move on with his life, knowing he damaged me and caused me so much harm? How dare he even think that it is okay to live a life without any acknowledgement that he physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually abused me for so long?
Through therapy, I have come to realise that he has no intention of ever apologising for his behaviour. This is because he isn’t sorry. He believes every sexual act was consensual (Even though his texts in response to me saying he abused me he acknowledged what he did was wrong!) and the police believed me too! This irks me.
However, I must come to a place of acceptance. This is something I am working on. I want the world to know the harm he caused, but I also want to live in the now. The past is gone and never coming back so I need to live for the moment and enjoy what I have.
I believe that much of the acceptance I will have will come from being happy with what I have.
Gratitude.
So here are the things that I am grateful for.
I have two wonderful children who bring me joy every day.
I have the love of a man who adores me and who I adore in return.
I have a lovely home with lovely neighbours.
I have a great job.
I have fantastic academic opportunities.
I have a wonderfully supportive family and extended family.
Whilst researching this post, I found something online to help. This goes through the stages of healing… I am not there yet, but I am hoping I will find acceptance soon.
As I have mentioned before, in a previous blog post, it was my mother who brought it to my attention that my ex-husband was a narcissist.
I understood the behaviour I was being subjected to was abusive, I knew I was feeling low all the time and walking on egg shells but I didn’t understand the gravity of the situation I found myself in.
Many of you will not have people to bring this your attention. If I hadn’t started disclosing to my Mum that I was being hurt and the intricacies of what was happening, it may never have been something I had considered.
These are some of the things I would be looking out for now.
They appear so charismatic in public, yet behind closed doors, they are a different person.
You feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
You feel like the love you had at the beginning of the relationship has gone. (You were love bombed)
You have lost your sense of identity; everything you do is to please them.
They talk about themselves a lot. They hog the conversation and subsequently sulk when the conversation is not centred on them.
They lack in sympathy and empathy for others. In public, they may be the hero when they see an emergency situation, but in general life, they do not have empathy for others.
They tease you, pick on you, name call. They may say this is just ‘a laugh/a joke’, but it is repeated and doesn’t change even if you bring it to their attention ( You may be called too sensitive/ over reacting )
They gas light you. This is incredibly serious and damaging and I will do a whole post on this. They ultimately make you question your own reality and observation of events.
They may apologise, but often not. They may also apologise, but ultimately, all issues are your fault .
They may be physically abusive. They may not be, but they could be volatile and create a huge blowout/argument.
There are so many more I could write about, but these are some of the things.
Sadly, by the time you have entered in to a relationship with a narcissist, you may be past the love bombing phase and be too deep with the person to know how to get out.
In addition, they may gush about you and your relationship on social media, which may make you believe that your relationship is absolutely fine. Do not believe the ‘smoke screen’. Remember, the narcissist wants to be seen by the outside world as an absolutely amazing person and partner. If you shatter that illusion in any way, expect the wrath of the unpredictable person you are with.
The narcissist broke me in to small pieces. Like a jigsaw, I am still trying to place these pieces back together in the right slot.
Therapy has been immensely helpful. My family have been rocks to hold me up when I fall and my now husband is always there through thick and thin.
There may be people reading this who do not have the support network I have. I hope that reading these pages will give you strength to know that this happening to you wasn’t your fault. You are not to blame. You were subjected to abnormal behaviours and responded in order to sate the behaviour of the narcissist.
I need to take my own advise sometimes as I struggle to engage with reality sometimes. I think I deserved the treatment I was subjected to. I question whether it happened. I do not see my own worth.
Story time.
Yesterday I was out having lunch with my husband. We are not your typical couple. We do not match one another in relation to aesthetics. He is lean and athletic in stature. Mixed race so with a beautiful skin tone and generally fit.
I am chunky, short, white and often pasty looking and not at typically pretty. I am average. Fat, but average.I know that it is common for people to be down on themselves, but this is something I cannot get past.
As we sat down to have lunch, I noticed a young, attractive woman very clearly checking out my husband. I smiled. Aware that I was eating with a very handsome person. Then it hit me like a train. He can do better than me. I put a post on Facebook/Instagram ( See below )
So, what does this have to do with narcissistic abuse?
Well, I’ve have ‘left overs’ from the previous relationship. Like all left overs, we like some of them, some of them we hate.
The one I am talking about here is the anxiety. It is common for many people to have anxiety when it comes to their normal life, I have anxiety over my relationship.
I do not know why I am struggling to accept that my husband loves me. He has NEVER done anything to indicate that he would leave me. What I am aware of, is that I need to heal to ensure I make the most of the relationship I am in. My husband now tells me every day that he loves me. Whilst he doesn’t compliment the way I look daily, I know that he truly loves me – even at my worst.
As a result of the post above, these are some of the replies I received.
I can’t be that bad to look at then, surely? But let me bring your attention to the following. These are things that you may be left with if you have been in a narcissistic relationship.
Anxiety (Yep, definitely have this )
Depression (Did have this, don’t now)
CPTSD/PTSD (I have diagnosed CPTSD, hence why I see a specialist therapist)
Loss of self worth/loss of sense of self (This is what this post pertains to!)
Trust issues (Don’t have this with my husband, I trust him implicitly, but yet I still have to check if he is going to leave me! Does this sound familiar to anyone?)
These are just a few. Some people reading this will relate, others will not.
Worryingly, narcissists can be attracted to certain types of people. This post from Psychology today affirms that they (men) can be attracted to strong women. My family all tell me I am strong and independent .
(Off topic here, but being an observer to my life, I guess this is how it could be perceived for me. I am highly educated – doctoral level – a department head, freelance writer and consultant, mother to two children and I own my home – bought before I married my husband. So, yes, I guess to others I may seem strong and independent. Inside, I scream and cry and cannot fathom how I have got this far)
Whilst researching this post, ( I’m being a lazy researcher here, using google searches and then going down a research rabbit hole) I have read a few articles which appear to cite the same thing.
Insider states that that narcissists see it as a challenge to take down an independent person. MBG state there are a number of reasons you attract a narcissist – the low self esteem one here rung true for me. Finally, Psychology Today states that narcissists want specific traits in a partner. Sadly, I fit many of them.
What are the positives of the left overs?
I have become more self aware.
Being self aware has enabled me to consider who I am as a person. Acknowledging that I am broken in my sense of self, makes me determined to fix who I am.
I will always be empathetic, kind and caring. However, I am always hyper aware of peoples intentions. This will hopefully help me read people more carefully and be more mindful of the relationships I have in my work and friendships.
I am averse to being controlled. I will be compliant with work requests but I have learnt to say no. The power of autonomy is so important in my own healing process.
I am also able to acknowledge that looks are not everything. I may not be the most attractive fish in the sea, but I have a person in my life who has shown me that there is more to a relationship than what people see on the outside. It is what you have in your partnership, behind closed doors, the conversation, plans and life goals, jointly and separately that mean you are in a good place.
In writing down what has happened to me, I have often returned to this thought. Did I lose my mind and did all this happen?
This has led me to read over previous communications via emails and texts. Most of them are reasonable, some are horrendous, some of them make me question if I was the problem.
The only reason I believe that I am not the problem or rather, I was not the problem is my current position now.
Wondering, Did I imagine all of this, or was I gas lit?
What’s happening now?
Well, I have remarried. To someone quite unexpected and very out of my league.
Through remarrying and being in this relationship, I have come to learn, I am no different in my demeanour, behaviours, actions and approach to challenging topics than I was previously.
What I mean by this is, I rarely raise my voice. I ask if we can talk about things. I send messages when I am feeling vulnerable and asking to communicate. I am affectionate, I try to be kind, I try to show love every day. I take on the lions share of the house work, financial obligations and organisation of our ‘life laundry’. I surmise that I am an okay type of partner.
I did all this for my previous husband in our relationship. I was kind. I was caring ( I used to rub his feet most nights without complaint). I did all of the house work with the exception of a bi-weekly ironing rota. I did all the cooking, cleaning, financial administration and car maintenance. I never told him what to do, I encouraged him to do as he pleased ( maintaining friendships outside your relationship is so important ) and continue his hobbies and passions.
This was not enough for him.
What I have learned is that I was not right for him. I began to want things for myself. See my friends. Spend time outside of the home without our children. Progress in my career. Continue my academic studies.
This did not please him. Whilst outwardly he was telling others he was proud of me. Inside the house, the sulking, the guilt trips, the moaning, the self absorbed behaviour only served to demonstrate that I was not enough for him. I wasn’t compliant enough to his wants, needs or desires. He believed he was special and I was not meeting his grandiose sense of self, therefore I was on the receiving end of his vitriol. It was my fault he wasn’t a famous and wealthy musician or actor. He never wanted to progress in his career, but it was our home, life and family that held him back ( rather than his lack of ambition).
The ‘girl’ to whom he had the affair.
She was young. Impressionable. Laughed at his jokes. Made him the centre of her world ( Remember, she was still attached at this point ). Told her boyfriend that my husband was her best friend and that was just that.
She fed into his narcissistic personality. She gave him the kudos he desired. She fawned over him as he trained her in her job role. This is what a narcissist loves. Someone who adores them. He came home after a day at work and once told me ” I deserve to be adored.”
Now, I don’t know who believes that about themselves, but I do not walk around with a sense of entitlement that people should adore me. Do you? Am I the abnormal one who thinks that’s strange? I do not deserve to be adored. I believe adoration comes from a place of love and compassion, understanding and mutual growth.
His behaviour meant I did NOT adore him. Whilst I thought I was doing a good job, a diligent job of holding our marriage together, I was clearly not doing it well. I was not pleasing him. I hated the fact I couldn’t please him. I questioned why I wasn’t enough and how much more of myself would I have to give to earn his good graces.
Simple fact… a narcissist will never accept anyone as good enough. This is because you will never meet their expectations. They see themselves as above all others. They see themselves as popular and expecting of amazing treatment from others. How you feel does not even come in to their sphere of thinking.
Narcissists reaction to being found out.
The revelation that he was a narcissist hit me hard. It was my mother who brought the word narcissist to my attention. She said in response to one of my desperate text messages ” I am so sorry you’re married to a narcissist”.
He saw this message. He totally flipped out. Weeping and wailing in our bedroom crying out “How can any one think this of me?”.
On helpguide.org, they cite the following which summarises what happened
“…they are extremely sensitive and react badly to even the slightest criticisms, disagreements, or perceived slights, which they view as personal attacks.“
He was a mess. He spent hours talking about how amazing he was. How he was an amazing father. How he did everything for us. How I was abusive and manipulative. How I was controlling. How I held him back. How I didn’t understand him. How I was cold and unloving. How I was a terrible wife.
Once again, everything that was wrong in our marriage was my fault. He didn’t own any aspect of our marriage falling apart.
What do I own?
I own the fact I was always asking what was wrong.
I own being tenacious and not giving up.
I own arguing back ( especially in the early days when I did strike him back when he struck me)
I own using foul language ( especially in the early days)
I own being a nag ( I did used to go on and on in asking for help or for something to be done)
I own having sex with another man whilst legally married to him.
I own mentioning that I was scared I may have ovarian cancer when the cancer markers associated with such were elevated due to a burst ovarian cyst ( I did not say I had cancer like he tried to say I did )
I own being jealous and asking if he was cheating on me ( self fulling prophecy perhaps , or learning that he was always going to do that to me… especially if he was willing to ask to see our friends’ breasts when we were engaged … and she showed me via text what he had sent!! )
I own asking repeatedly if he loved me ( I still do this to my now husband – I am working on the fact I need to accept he loves me!)
Narcissistic behaviours
Many of my friends and mutual friends have mentioned that they didn’t really like my ex-husband.
They referred to him as ‘ arrogant, cocky, big headed, lazy, patronising, lacking empathy” . I sadly cannot disagree. I saw all of these too… but by the time I realised what a horror I had married, I had been love bombed and I was in too deep.
So, I did not imagine all of this. I was pulled in by a narcissist. He made me believe he was special and that our lives would be too. Instead I was abused and harmed and I bear the scars daily of the damage he has done.
Healing
Now is the time to heal. He is my past and I have my future.
I did not image all of this. It was real and it happened. I am in a better place. With someone who loves me with out conditions or expectation. When I am past all the hurt, perhaps I will talk more about the wonderful human I am with now and I will write a blog about finding your true love.
I assume you’ve arrived here due to a Google search, a desperate attempt to understand why or how or if this is what you have experienced.
Let me tell you this now, if you think you are a victim of this type of abuse, you probably are.
If you question if YOU are the narcissist, you’re probably NOT.
A narcissist will almost always NEVER admit to their abuse or being a narcissist.
This is not written by a psychologist or psychiatrist, or someone with a mental health background, it is a real life blog about a real life experience. I am however an academic, I will reference links to places you may find helpful, I will also talk about things I have used to help me heal.
What is Narcissism?
The Mayo clinic offer this definition of narcissistic personality disorder :
A mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them.
My reading around this subject has led me to understand that people can either be a narcissist, or are going through a narcissistic phase. The latter is less common. When I realised I was in an abusive relationship, my academic mind took me to the ‘Why is this happening to me?’
The quest to understand why I was subjected to these behaviours, why I had allowed myself to be harmed in so many ways meant I started reading about personality disorders. What this meant was, I was looking for a reason to justify the abuse.
There is NEVER a reason to justify abuse.
What I did come to understand was that the abuse I received was related to their personality disorder and the simple fact, this person simply didn’t care.
What happened to me?
I was married for a long time. To a man who woo’d me. He swept me off my feet. He was not the type of man I would usually go for physically, however, he made me feel special, he told me things I could only dream of hearing. He made me feel adored, called me, was attentive, wanted my attention – this was phase 1.
Phase 1 – Love Bombing
He would send me loving emails.
He would ask if he could kiss me.
He would be proud to be with me.
It was relentless, it was magical, I can honestly say, it was like being a Disney Princess.
But let’s get real here – Life isn’t a fairy tale. I am being mindful here about how I deliver this next set of sentences but I firmly believe that phrase. Life isn’t a fairytale. My relationship in the early stages did feel like a fairy tale.
Only upon being in my marriage now, do I recognise what happened to me.
My marriage now has made me understand that love is calm, caring, beyond measure, without expectation and comfortable. There are fairy tale moments (like proposals, intimate moments and love letters) but it is not every day. True love is compassionate, equal, equitable, kind, caring, deep, adoring, mutual and without judgement or expectation.
The love bombing had me hooked. I was all over him. I couldn’t do enough for him. Anything he wanted, I did. I cringe when I think back to those early moments, I think how much I changed to be on the receiving end of his ‘love’. The cocktail of natural hormones, dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, adrenaline, vasopressin had me craving for more. His love bombing had done the job. I was his. I was addicted.
Does any of this sound familiar?
If it does, subscribe, follow and come back for more.
This blog is going to be a long old ride so buckle up, grab a brew ( yes, I’m British ) and enjoy the ride. Hopefully it will help
Healing from a narcissistic relationship 