There is so much I am going to write about in relation to the abuse that one post will not cover it. I will attempt to cover all of it in this blog, but I shall talk about the verbal abuse and touch upon some of the sexual abuse in the post. Therefore, if you are triggered by sexual abuse, please do not read any further.

Trapped in the abuse cycle

I think it’s important to say, that not all the years I was married were abusive. However, it is also important to say, I was trapped by the abusive behaviours that I learned to adapt to.

When I got married, there was very little about coercive behaviour. People only saw abuse as a physical thing or verbal abuse. Let me be clear, it doesn’t have to be this.

I did suffer physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse. I was regularly verbally abused ( common phrases were ‘ you’re a dick, you’re a cunt, fuck off, you’re a nag, you’re manipulative and controlling, you’re mentally ill’).

The verbal abuse experienced meant I created a tolerance. When challenged on this he would say “you know what I’m like, this is who I am, you need to get used to it“, or phrases to that effect. I had to accept that if I were to stay with him, I had to accept this. I did accept it. It was who he was.

The next phrase that really triggered me was the utterance “I don’t care”. This was because he actually didn’t. Giving him credit, he didn’t lie. He simply couldn’t care, because he didn’t. ( Later in our marriage he questioned whether he had a mental disorder because he felt no emotion to certain things and would regularly watch graphic and fatal uncensored crashes on YouTube as entertainment)

Narcissists don’t care. They have no capacity to care about what you are going through as they lack the ability to empathise with others. My ex-husband however was very good at acting. He was able to cue tears, which people put down to him being ‘dramatic’, but it was actually him trying to appear genuine. However, after over a decade with someone, you learn their physical tells. When he was caught out, his pupils would dilate, whilst his actions would exude confidence, his eyes gave him away.

When he was arrested for rape ( on me ) the inspector said he reacted very unexpectedly, saying ” I didn’t expect her to report me although she said she always would” . I can imagine the act he put on. Any how, I digress. What I am saying here is that he only cared about himself.

Coercive control

This was defined on the Women’s aid website as

Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.

So, I query, was I coerced?

Over the years, I was name called. I was made to feel ashamed about my weight, my capabilities and my position as a wife. I was not coerced to behave a certain way in my working life, but I was certainly shamed if I spoke out of turn.

He would say the phrase to my family ” you know what _(my name)___ is like” when using me as the butt of his jokes, or if I was upset or if I had an opinion he didn’t agree with. This meant he was getting my family ‘onside’ when he would abuse me to give him kudos. When I would attempt to have a joke, he would give me the silent treatment, then one of the fatal car chats would ensue.

The car chat.

The fatal car chats. The space he would use to air his grievances .This was usually for long journeys ( more than 10 minutes) where he could let loose and tell me what he thought of me, how I had made him feel, how I should make up for it and generally an opportunity for him to berate me. If I attempted to respond in kind, guess who would end up being in the wrong – yes, me. I was the one who had to apologise.

Remember, everything was my fault. As you read this blog, remember, this person made EVERYTHING that was wrong in HIS and OUR lives, MY fault. I stress this, because until you understand that this was the norm, you can understand the oppressive and damaging environment I had to ensure.

**TRIGGER WARNING**

This takes me to the sexual abuse.

I was coerced in to sexual behaviours over a number of years. It started with my ex-husband telling me his sexual preferences. I was a very vanilla ( no frills, missionary style ) person. I didn’t use sex toys. I didn’t have fancy underwear, I didn’t have crazy sexual fetishes or fantasies. This to him was boring.

He sex of preference was anal sex.

Now, before you continue, you need to understand that I was not a fan of this. I explained that it was a no-go area and that if that was to ever happen, it was on my terms. I absolutely understand that in mutual and safe relationships many couples enjoy this and it is part of their sex life. This is not something I wanted for me.

As the years progressed, we had children and our sex life was up and down. I tried to be more exciting, but it wasn’t me. He would use the car chats to explain he was unsatisfied, that he expected me to meet his needs. He even said it was my “duty as his wife” to fulfil his sexual needs. This obviously included anal sex. Over the years, he ground me down, on and on and on and on. I was made to feel guilty for not making him happy. I relented, on my terms, always in pain, always bleeding afterwards, always praying it would be over quick so I could run off and have a shower. I feigned satisfaction, but inside I was crawling. Inside I was hoping he would be done with me so I could move on. I did this to sate his needs, for a peaceful life, to manage. But let me tell you, I always bled. My anus always ached. I used to tell him and he would say sorry, but it never stopped him from going there during sex. He said our sex life was the only thing that made us good.

Our sex life was the only way I could have peace. I gave him my body to be abused so I didn’t have an awful time in the rest of the day. If I did that alongside working hard, getting him gifts, making his dinner, cleaning our home, ironing his clothes, organising our lives … I would have less abuse.(Don’t get me wrong, he would still call me a dick head multiple times a day and regularly tell me to fuck off, but I could handle that)

It was an act of anal sex, forcibly over a period of three days, being degraded and demanded of that resulted in me being raped. I didn’t consent. He said “I shouldn’t be doing this to you” so he knew what he doing was wrong. My neck and head were forced into a position that allowed him to violate me for his sexual needs, do his ‘business’ and then leave. I couldn’t move. I was pinned. This act was different from the others, there was no mutual agreement, there was no love. He spat on me to lubricate my anus. He forced me over the bed. He used his hand to grab my neck and pushed his awful self onto me. I will never forgive him for this. This is what I went to the police with. I will go into that in an another blog entry.

Next stages…

The above is only a snippet of the tale. In writing this blog, I am going through old messages. He called me a sociopath. I am reflecting on this, but because I didn’t respond to him in the way he expected at the end of our marriage, I didn’t give away any emotion, he called me that. I expect that is how I looked. I may have demonstrated a lack of emotion towards him … does that make me a sociopath? ( Any one? Comments?)

Important to know… my confessional

The abuse I received at the end of my marriage, got worse when a certain person entered his (our) lives…

This woman ( 9 years younger ) was introduced to our family. She was my ex-husbands colleague. He had trained her. He had given her the job when she applied after training. They were close. They went so far to say they were best friends. I was pushed out.

My ex-husband tried to bring us together. She introduced me to her boyfriend. They spent time with us as a family. Me and her boyfriend always pushed out. Them always whispering and joking.

My family said it was strange. I accused them of an affair. It was denied.

When I asked if I could call ‘her’ my ex-husband smashed my phone. Totally smashed it. That gave me the fear.

When I discovered they had spent the night in a hotel whilst on a work residential, I was clearly ‘bi-polar’ and imagining things. I was to blame for the breakdown in our marriage. Not their friendship. I tried. I really did. I turned up to his work one evening to meet them all for drinks ( we had bickered that day but thought we could get past it) and he sent me away. Left me in the cold outside, he sent a text saying “you should go’. Went out for drinks. Yet, I was the abusive one.

When things got really bad, he was smoking again, leaving late at night to go stay elsewhere, texting late at night, going in the bath to get peace for hours on end. I found he had been secretly texting her. He had complimented her frequently on her looks and would like all her social media posts. Apparently, I was losing my mind and imagining it.

I went to therapy. My employer paid for it. I learnt the term gas lighting. He was gas lighting me.

So, was I coerced ? Yes over time I was.

Was I abused? Yes, over time I was.

Was I being gas lit? Yes, for the latter part of our relationship, definitely.

This leads me to my confessional. When I realised our marriage was over. When they both went on a work holiday to Italy, when they told me and her boyfriend they didn’t want to hear from us… what do you think happened? We reached out to one another. I confess to sending intimate texts and over two months, we ended up sleeping together once. My marriage was over.

My now therapist has said when I talk about this… think about what he said to you.

He frequently told me to ‘go find someone else’. That I was unattractive, or not ‘doing it for him’. I was ground down. It was a one time thing. A chance to feel affection from a rejected, depressed spouse who had no one and nothing to feel good about. We found solace in one another. We had no other connection but this, and he now lives a life I have no idea about.

Does this justify my actions? NO!! Do I regret my choices? Sometimes. Did it help me get away from him!! YES!!!!!

Some ponderings.

Was he having an affair – an emotional one, YES.

A physical one – probably.

Did he go on to marry her – YES!

What do you think was going on then?

I have since learnt through therapy that abuse gets worse when the perpetrator is attracted or with someone else. This was definitely the case in my relationship. I was harmed more when he was attracted to someone else.

What I can say for sure in this entry is that my actions, plus his actions have set me free.

I am now happier, more mentally stable and safe in my relationship than I was for over a decade. I am married to man who has never once verbally, physically or sexually assaulted me. It would never cross his mind to do so, and he would never mentally cause me harm. He is a normal, kind and loving man who would do anything to ensure that I am safe, loved and cared for.

Am I a sociopath? I flipping hope not.